


Go Team Hux!

by ashangel101010



Series: Matt the Friend [8]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Legends - All Media Types
Genre: And if he can't get erect in five days then he'll have to consult Snoke....again, And so is his brother, Black Butler References, Doctor Who References, Dream Sex, Drunk Kylo Ren, Feeder Kylo Ren, Feeding Kink, Fire swamp, Gen, Hux has a sword, Hux is still a Whovian, Impregnation Kink, Jealous Kylo Ren, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren might get laid....one day, M/M, Masturbation, Nice Hux, Other, Puns & Word Play, References to David Bowie, References to Supernatural (TV), Sassy Thrass, Sexual Fantasy, Sexual Tension, Size Kink, The Hobbit References, The Princess Bride References, Thrass is a Knight of Ren, Venture Bros. References, You know if he stops using the Force to will away his erections
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-08-08 13:06:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7758940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashangel101010/pseuds/ashangel101010
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hux “invites” Matt the Radar Technician for a little excursion on Belkadan with his older brother. Matt accepts, and it’s only barely a day before said excursion that he realizes what he got himself into. Again. </p>
<p>So he calls for reinforcements in the form of Thrass Ren. And so, the Chiss Knight and the Fake Knight must do battle with the Weird-chester Brothers. Who shall win? Everyone, but Matt that’s who.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Go Team Hux!

**Author's Note:**

> Did you guess Thrass Ren and Aya Kallus? Then, you were correct! Ha, ha, Matt/Kylo Ren wish he was getting laid! Also, the title of the story comes from the Venture Bros. Can you guess why? It’s The Sovereign, that’s why.

Go Team Hux!

*

Suggested Theme:

Main Theme- Oh You Pretty Things by David Bowie

*

            Kylo Ren, or rather Matt, was about to begin his nightly masturbation session, hoping this time he won’t get the same foreboding feeling he got during his morning session, when Hux decides to “call” him. He is fairly tempted to put his comm on its speaker function so he can see if he can masturbate to Hux’s voice without Hux realizing what Matt is doing. And knowing how _sexually_ oblivious Hux is, he might just get away with that.

However, he gets that same, uneasy feeling from the Force that he got this morning. _Please, Hux, just be normal and not invite me to your quarters again. Unless it’s for sex. Or another singing session. Or the Lovelies are stuck on your nipples and you need someone to pull them off and apply some Vaseline to them…_

“Hello, Hux.” Matt preemptively grabs The Merry Masturbation Pillow and puts it over his clothed crotch. _If he goes back to telling me stories about Rumplestiltskin breaking some Belle’s heart again, I’m just going to masturbate. It’s better than destroying another control panel._

“Hi, Matt! I was just w-wondering if….i-if you want to….” _Oh no, please don’t stutter, Hux, I already have enough weird kinks because of you! Wait, maybe he’s going to ask me out on a date! Why else would you bring someone to your quarters if you weren’t planning to ask them out at some point….or give them a private blowjob._ Matt can only hope.

“What I mean is…would you like to go on an adventure with me and my brother?” _Well….at least he keeps his word. It’s not the rimjob I was hoping for, but I get to hang out with Hux again._ Matt can feel his soft cock go even softer. He finds this odd since Hux’s random answers tended to arouse him.

“Where?” _We’re near Belkadan, so most likely there. It has beaches, so perhaps an adventure on the beach. I can be downing some bootleg rum while Hux wiggles his wet ass in his booty shorts. Up, there it goes._ Matt begins to press the pillow harder against his erection.

“Belkadan, more specifically its swamps!” _What goes up must come down. Who the Hells takes a person to a filthy swamp! Great, now my boots are going to get ruined!_ Matt bites his lips to prevent himself from whining out loud.

“When?” _Please let it be tomorrow, so I can legitimately bail._ Tomorrow, Kylo Ren is going to be on a short mission for the Supreme Leader which will most likely last a whole day.

“Four days from now! At exactly 2100. Will you be able to make it? I understand if you have a scheduled shift; I wouldn’t want you to jeopardize your career for me!” _I highly doubt being a radar technician is an actual career. But Hux is so understanding and that’s……hot. He’s probably blushing and looking away while he said that!_ Matt rubs his revitalized erection through the pillow again; he likes to believe that Hux might have sat on this pillow at least once. So, in a way, Hux is indirectly rubbing his butt against Matt’s clothed erection.

“I do not have a shift that night, so I can come.” _Just not right now._ Matt thrusts his hips upwards, pretending that Hux is riding him from behind. He can imagine Hux begging him to turn him over so they can see each other’s face. _Hux would mewl and cry to see my face, to be reassured that someone lo—desires him! And that is all! There is nothing else to that!_

“Great, I can get you some waterproof boots if you don’t have any. And some insect repellent. I would feel pretty awful if you were to die from snake bite or some disease that some insect gives you.” _Hux sounds…..guilty. Like he’s really worried that I could die in the swamp. Or he’s asked if we could have a threesome with me and Kylo Ren. I could totally use the Force to make him believe that “Kylo” is touching him…_ Matt bites down on his lips to prevent a moan from escaping his lips.

“Thank you.” Matt barely manages. _Odds are there’s probably some creature in the swamp. Perhaps I can “save” Hux from said creature and he’ll be so grateful that he’ll unwittingly plant a kiss on my lips. And then I can fuck him against a t—_

“Come by my quarters around 2030 and I’ll set you up. Oh, you probably shouldn’t wear your technician uniform; you might overheat. I don’t think any of my clothes would fit you…” _Neither would my clothes, but it would be hot if you wore one of my shirts. It’d just hang off your nearly-skeletal frame, and you would wear nothing under it and it would just barely cover your scrawny, pert butt. And when you’d bend over, I’ll grab your as—_

“But I could get you some training clothes that the Stormtroopers use if you want.” _Hux, would you stop interrupting my fantasies of fucking your brains out! Rude! I’d eat you for that._ Matt is pretty certain he got that last part from one of, surprisingly, Hux’s non-Arthurian stories. It was about some cannibalistic doctor that liked to eat the rude and mentally fuck with his soulmate. _That sounds a lot like Nihl Ren’s current situation. He likes to eat people…well, kind of. It’s really through his raven or his conspiracy of ravens. And he did mentally fuck, well not **exactly** fuck, some kid with curly hair. I really need to finish that bridal dress…_

“Oh, I have clothes that I don’t mind getting muddy. I will take you up on the boots offer though.” _Yeah, I am not ruining my boots for you. Unless you let me fuck you in the mud…..at this rate, I will take anything. And take you anywhere._ Matt almost sighs, knowing quite well how happy Hux is with friendship. And nothing more.

“What’s your size? Like an eleven?” _No, more like fifteen centimeters, flaccid. I highly doubt giving him my dick measurements is going to convince him to sleep with me._ Matt sincerely considers just showing up at Hux’s quarters buck-naked to see just how sexually dense that he is.

“Twelve.” _I think Hux’s feet are smaller than mine, like a nine or a ten. Hmm, I’m not getting hard, so I don’t have a small feet kink. Oh Force, I’m going to turn into Chantique at this rate! I really need to tell her about the Cinnamon Roll growing a pair…then again she may “kidnap him” and put him in her sex dungeon. I don’t think the General will approve of his Lieutenant being sexually pleasured by a Knight of Ren…….unless he’s into voyeurism._

“Wow, you’re bigger than me. I’m a nine!” _In more ways than one I would imagine. I could crush your skull with my biceps! And that’s turning me on more than I think that would…I bet I have a better chance at making it with Hux’s corpse…okay, that was disturbing!_ Matt shivers at the mere thought of Hux dying.

“So it’s four days from now at exactly 2030 that I need to be at your quarters?” Matt restates in case he misheard Hux at some point. Which is quite possible given his attention deficit whenever Hux talks. _Or I’m just really distracted by my own libido because Hux really is…..a fleshy—no, boney philter. I really need to get Hux a cake or something because I don’t think it’s healthy, even with his meat allergy and all, for someone to be that skinny. Wait, am I starting to get a chubby Hux kink? Frak, yes…_

“Exactly. I’ll see you then! Goodnight, Matt!” Matt quickly parrots goodnight at Hux and turns off his comlink. Matt, or Kylo Ren, resumes his nightly masturbation session with a new fantasy playing out in his mind:

_Kylo Ren is in his tiny kitchen. He’s been pacing for about five minutes and has made about thirty-five laps around his near-kitchenette. Finally, his Death Star-shaped timer goes off and he quickly goes to his refrigerator to pull out his masterpiece:_

_A triple-dark chocolate-layered fudge cake with cherry vanilla frosting!_

_He puts his sinful creation on his trolley with elaborate metalwork. Only something as perfect as his cake deserves something beautifully extravagant like his Nabooian trolley. He also puts a crystal glass plate on the trolley along with a golden fork and a silver serving knife. He wheels the trolley to his bedroom._

_His room is dark like the Dark Side and he can smell the fresh ash from his alter for his grandfather._

_He lightly taps the panel on his wall to turn the lights back on._

_On his black sheets is Hux. Hux is naked and freckled all over and his fiery, waist-length hair is spread out like a fabulous cape. His arms are bound to the head of the bed with black Spyder silk while his legs are spread wide open. Right now, Hux is panting and on the verge of tears; his pulsing, flushed erection is being held in place by the Force._

_“Oh look at you, my poor weirdo. You’re right on the edge of your climax, but I’m sorry, my darling, I had to go and get you your meal. It’s okay, my pretty little freak show, I’m here and I’m going to feed you like honorable knight that I am.” Kylo coos and quickly goes over to Hux and presses a kiss to the distressed ginger’s sweaty forehead. A tear leaks from his green eyes, and Kylo licks up that tear languidly, making Hux whimper._

_Kylo returns to his trolley and speedily takes a slice from his decadent dessert and puts it on the crystal plate. He spears the top of the cake with the golden fork and struts back to Hux; he presents it to him like one hell of a butler._

_“K-Kylo, I can’t eat that! It’ll make me fat!” Hux blushes, pink claiming the fair freckles, and looks away in shame. Kylo just smiles and then takes a huge piece of the fudge cake with the golden fork; he brings the sugar-laden fork to Hux’s half-open lips._

_“How can you bear my child if you’re as thin as a rail? No, no, you need five, no, ten pounds of fat on you! Don’t you want to have my child?” Kylo murmurs like a master enchanter. Hux returns to look at him with a determined expression. His sylph parts his kiss-swollen lips open like he did when he swallowed Kylo’s flesh sword earlier._

_“There. We. Go! Now, that wasn’t so bad? If you finish off this slice, then I’ll give you release.” Kylo promises with only a half mind to keep his word. But Hux, like always, faithfully believes in him. Because Kylo is a better knight than Brienne of Tarth or whatever imaginary knight Hux likes to prattle about. Hux takes bite after a bite with his lips trembling before each bite. Hux finishes off the last piece and groans at the fullness of his belly. Kylo rubs his belly, halfheartedly believing that Hux may have gained a pound from just one slice._

_“I did what you asked….so please release me, My Lord!” Hux cries out when Kylo leaves him to go back to the trolley. He cuts another piece, but this time it’s twice the size of the last one and has triple the amount of frosting._

_“B-But we had a deal!” Hux twists indignantly at his binds. Kylo smiles at Hux’s adorably futile flailing._

_“I have altered the deal, pray I don’t alter it any further.” Kylo gently chides. Hux begins to weep in defeat and parts his lips again._

Kylo Ren screams as he comes on The Merry Masturbation Pillow. He feels somewhat satisfied and prepares himself for the next round. Round two out of six.

*

Exactly one day before the appointed time in which Matt would join Hux on their adventure, Matt, or rather Kylo Ren, after the third round of his nightly masturbation session sleepily recalls his conversation with his weird little ginger:

_“What I mean is…would you like to go on an adventure with me and my brother?” Me and my brother. My brother. **My brother. BROTHER!**_

“OH FUCK!!!!” Kylo screeches and takes his hands away from his dick. He scrambles out of the covers and The Merry Masturbation Pillow falls out of the bed with him. He grabs his discarded leather trousers and searches through the pockets for his comlink. He finds it and pulls it out and immediately “calls” the one person who can help him.

“Yes, Master Ren?” Thrass Ren’s chilly voice arises from the other side; Kylo resists the urge to palpitate. Thrass Ren has always been……austere. He is serious and efficient at what he does, which is assassinations, but he’s not exactly…cordial or even emotional. Getting a rise from him is like trying to melt a glacier with a single matchstick; even the combined efforts of Chantique and Jarael have yet to earn even a small smirk from the frigid Chiss. However, he has one unique skill that no one in the Knights of Ren, including the Master of the Knights of Ren, has: savoir faire.

“Thrass, I have need of you.” Kylo “smoothly” conveys. _Please, please let him not be on an important mission for my Master. I need someone with mystique and can handle…bombshells. Because there is no way in the Force that Hux’s brother is not kriffing weird! Or even weirder!_

“What would you require of me, Master Ren?” Thrass has always been a good sport when it comes to “playing along” with the dramatics of his fellow knights. He has enough forbearance to make Darth Sidious look like Anakin Skywalker.

“I need you to accompany me and General Hux to Belkadan.” _Yeah, that sounds way better than “Hey, I need you to hang out with me, this little ginger weirdo that I’ve been having sexual fantasies about lately, and his potentially even weirder big brother. Did I mention that they are super weird?” Thrass……isn’t someone I can be necessarily casual with, but he’s used to strange; he was literally born and raised in the fucking Unknown Regions. Just like, apparently, Hux. That might explain a lot……_

“Incognito, I presume.” _Kind of…..actually considering his very “pragmatic” uniform, all he has to do is not wear his mask and he’ll be good. Should I warn him to not put on his good boots because of the swamp? I don’t think he’d care because he had worse on his boots._ Kylo is glad that the knight cannot see him. For one, he’d look like a flustered mess. And he’s very naked. With his cock half-hard.

“Yes, but we are heading to the swamplands of the planet tomorrow at 2100. And he’s bringing a guest.” _And considering how Hux’s file clearly only lists his dead father as part of his list of relatives, high chances are that his older brother and mother didn’t register with the First Order. Along with his aunt and cousins._ Kylo makes a mental note to look up the aunt named Mara because, for some reason, that name seems really familiar.

“The guest is not registered under the First Order database. Does the guest have a name?” _Odds are there is a file of some kind on his brother, but it’s not with the First Order. Probably somewhere in the Unknown Regions. Thrass might find it, but he literally has less than a day. Then again, his people literally export intelligence, so Thrass could scrounge together something. The brother’s name was Eve, right? No, it was Aya!_ Kylo then wonders who the Hells would name their kid Aya.

“Aya, he is General Hux’s older brother, but he is most likely not using the same surname as his younger brother.” _Maybe Hux’s older brother is his half-brother or actually his step-brother. I really need to look up Brendol Hux’s file……hopefully, I won’t go on a rage-inducing killing spree after learning something about that piece of shit._ Kylo is certain that he has never hated a person more, except maybe Skywalker, than Brendol Hux.

“Aya is not a common name in the Unknown Regions.” Thrass simply comments. And offers nothing more. Kylo is fine with that; he knows that the galaxy is a vast place filled with so many people. Most are unconnected from each other because they weren’t blessed with the Force like him. _Hux is……not disconnected……he’s connected. But to what? It’s not the Force. It can’t be to his Diathim-deity because She’s imaginary. What is he connected to?_

“I’ll let you know where exactly to meet us on Belkadan.” Kylo hears a soft cry on the other end of the link. And then a sound of a charric being fired. Like the cracking of ice.

“I do as you command, Master Ren.” Kylo ends the call. It always……disturbs him how Thrass never adds _“and the Supreme Leader”_ when he ends his conversations with the Master of the Knights of Ren. It’s not like he’s uncertain of where Thrass’s loyalties lie. It’s just….he doesn’t seem to _care_ about who he serves. _He is more assassin than knight._

Kylo doesn’t feel like masturbating again; Thrass has left him feeling very cold…..and detached. He returns to his bed and pulls the cover over himself, shielding himself from the unknown.

*

_Matt_ is not wearing his usual, unassuming attire; this time he’s dressed with a specific purpose in mind: to subliminally debauch Hux. He has on a loose, black singlet that shows off some of the “hidden” skin beneath the shirt and his muscular biceps; the shirt is tucked inside his nearly waist-length, leather trousers. He replaces his black suspenders with red ones; red is the color of passion, and it shall keep Hux’s eyes on him. He pulls on his leather gloves and smirks when he hears the firm snap against his wrists.

He admires himself in his floor-length mirror of his ‘fresher.

_There is no way in Hells that Hux won’t have lusty thoughts about me after this! My fine ass is practically molded into this leather! I even slathered on more of that sunblock he loves and rubbed some Starblossom oil on my arms, chest, and neck. Maybe he’ll become so overcome with lust that he just dry humps me right in his room, and we don’t have to go to Belkadan!_ Matt smirks triumphantly and heads out of his ‘fresher. He pockets his comlink but leaves his lightsaber behind because the pockets of his leather pants are not very accommodating for lightsabers. _Besides, I didn’t need it on my last outing with him. At worse, I’ll just have to somehow blind Hux and use the Force against whatever foul creature that tries to attack us._

Matt heads out and struts his way to Hux’s quarters. Along the way, many officers, technicians, and Stormtroopers (he could only tell from their thoughts) ogle at Matt; he even gets Umano to nearly walk right into a wall, but Phasma stops what would’ve been a hilarious crash. _Look at them, they all want me, but can’t have me! Soon, the General shall be in my thrall!_

Matt once again finds Hux’s door unlock; he really hopes it’s because Hux trusts Matt to arrive on time. This time Hux’s quarters aren’t dark, but they are still very small and cluttered by Matt’s standards. _I might need to bring this up in a private audience with my Master…oh no, I can’t because then he’ll ask how I know since Hux’s mind is like some kind of impenetrable fortress, and then I’ll have to tell him about Matt the Radar Technician……and the weirdness of Hux. Hux could actually get fired! Maybe. Probably._

“Oh, Matt, your boots are by the bed! I’ll be out in a minute.” He hears Hux call from the closet. Matt goes to Hux’s tiny bed and sees the boots; they are tastefully black and rubbery. Matt pulls off his own boots and puts on the ones that Hux went out of his way to procure for him. _I bet this is like specialized Stormtrooper gear for swamps or wetlands. I really hope these weren’t used recently._ Matt hears Hux’s closet swish open and then cranes his head to see Hux.

“I’m finally done! So…..what do you think?” _By the Force……he looks like one of those cheesy stage pirates! Okay, okay, don’t laugh! It’ll hurt Hux’s feelings!_ Matt has to bite down on his tongue, hard enough to feel some blood pool in his mouth, to prevent himself from “hurting” Hux’s feelings. Hux is wearing a black, frilly blouse with a black sash tied around his waist; he has on black trousers and the purple-black leather, knee-high boots. _Unholy Dark Side, he actually has a sword! And it’s……a rapier, but the blade looks a bit too thick though. Huh, the scabbard looks to be made from the same leather as the boots and—is that “gem” looking at me?_

Matt estimates, from the scabbard, that the sword itself is about 106 cm long but with a width of 5 cm for the blade itself. The hilt consists of a large, red guard that look like it belonged to a rapier; the guard is decorated with curling golden metal that reminds Matt of a dragon’s tail. The grip looks like it belongs on a simple longsword; the ribbed, brown leather grip is about 12 cm. _It’s like a longsword fucked a rapier, and their bastard child was raised on Naboo._ Upon closer inspection, Matt can see the gem on the purple-black scabbard is yellow and has a line through it, reminding him of a snake eye. _I could’ve sworn it was moving like the eye on the Zonama Sekot flag._

“You look…..potent.” _It’s getting harder to resist laugh—wait….he’s looking at me. No, he’s checking me out! Finally! I might just get laid tonight!_ Hux then moves swiftly and reaches out to touch Matt’s nipples. Or to be accurate, Hux plucks on the red suspenders that happen to be on top of his clothed nipples, but Matt considers this a victory. Even if Hux is playing with his suspenders like his electric guitar. _His face is that beautiful pink again and his lips are trembling. Please, please, let this be out of lust and trying to prevent himself from humping my brains out!_

Hux opens his mouth and remedies Matt’s delusions:

“You. Have. Red. Suspenders. Like. The. Doctor! By the TARDIS, this is s-so cool! Like bowties! If you were wearing a fez, I would’ve j-just! I don’t know, something stupid! You’re like Eleventh! Okay, okay, calm down, Hux, you’re freaking out Matt.” _What!? WHAT. THE. PFASSK!? Nothing on my muscles, or my fine ass, or my scent!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! He only likes this because it reminds him of one of his stupid stories!? And what the fuck is a TARDIS?_ Matt is steaming on the inside and his suppressed rage colors his cheeks. To Hux, it just looks like Matt is embarrassed with all the touching.

“Well…….we should get going, while the hangar I had cleared of personnel is still empty!” _Wow, what an inappropriate use of his authority! Shit, I need to find out where exactly on Belkadan we’re meeting his…brother._

“W-Wait, I need to use your ‘fresher because….I need to put in my contacts! I forgot to do that in my room. Oh, and on an unrelated note, where exactly on Belkadan are we meeting your brother?” Matt gives him a goofy, innocent smile. _Please, let Hux buy that. It’s a lame-ass excuse, but at least it’s logical!_ Hux just blinks, not suspecting Matt for a second.

“Sure, I hope you don’t mind the smallness of my ‘fresher. Oh, and we’re meeting him at a bar called _Lady Grinning Soul_. You have no idea how happy that makes me! I’m like a Goblin King with a Toby babe!” _I’m just going to ignore all that and go. Force, how much weirdness am I going to get into tonight? Certainly not in Hux!!_ Matt does not stomp his way to Hux’s ‘fresher. Hux actually laughs at Matt’s “marching” because he thought Matt was being funny.

_He was not kidding that it was small! My closet has more space than this! Well, at least he has a water shower….with some kind of timer on it. I really need to find a way to get Hux’s quarters expanded. It’s not like Lieutenant Mitaka needs all that space since he’s so small. Or I could get Hux’s quarters moved right next to my room! I could totally listen to him mast—I need to focus!_ Matt quickly pulls out his comlink and calls up Thrass.

“Yes, Master Ren?” Somehow hearing Thrass’s inscrutable voice helps soften Matt’s burgeoning erection. _And these pants don’t hide much._

“The General and I will be going to a bar called _Lady Grinning Soul_.” _I feel like I lost a bit of my masculinity from saying that name. Eh, gender is overrated. Unless….no, Hux is definitely male if his tight booty shorts gave any indication. But his cock does look small…shit, now’s not the time to be horny!_ Matt wonders if he should just grab a cup of cold water and dump it on his junk. But then again, he doesn’t feel like getting his pants wet….unless Hux has something PHYSICALLY to do with it.

“Understood, Master Ren.” And Thrass ends the call. _Shit, I forgot to tell him that he has to call me Matt…oh, I’ll do it later once we’re there. I better get out now before Hux thinks I’m taking a crap on his…very small toilet. Force, I’d rather have Hux live in my room than this cramped hell!_ Matt takes off his glasses and leaves them in the sink. _I’ll come back for them later. Or just get Hux to give them back to me next time._ Matt escapes the enclosed ‘fresher and is happy to see Hux. Even if he looks like a rejected stripper pirate.

“Wow, Matt you look even more unearthly without your glasses!” Hux is smiling widely, while Matt is confused. _Is Hux complimenting for looking strange, or is my definition of “unearthly” has been wrong this whole time? Well…..at least he’s smiling, so it must be good. My little ginger weirdo._

“Thanks, so we better go.” Hux nods in agreement, and the odd pair leave the quarters together. They walk side by side with Hux completely unaware of the looks he was receiving. Matt skims the minds of those they pass and has found three common themes in the thoughts:

_Holy shit, who are those two?_

_Why is that muscle-bound sex god walking with that twiggy flamboyant pirate?_

_Huh, I wonder if those two are going to complete that bet where someone has sex on Kylo Ren’s command shuttle and not get murdered by him._

The last theme has Matt making a mental note to check the security feed on his shuttle to make sure no one has been having sex in it. _Although, I wouldn’t mind doing that myself…and I could actually collect on that bet. And it’s worth like 5000 credits! Force, I hope that happens soon…_

They make it to the hangar, and it turns out that Hux was telling the truth. There is no one else in the hangar, except for them. _I really need to keep this mind since Hux can do this any time he wants! I should be allowed to do that too! Yeah, that way I can just take Hux in the middle of the hangar….shit, now’s not the time!_ Matt is glad to see that Hux isn’t really paying attention to him; the General’s green eyes are focused on the shuttle that they would be boarding.

“And we’re here! Don’t worry I’m a decent pilot.” Hux smirks. For some reason, Matt feels a chill go down his spine. _He admits to being decent…does that mean he’s reckless? Or he’s one of those pilots that like to be overly cautious and slow?_ Matt finds out it is the latter. And what’s even worse, he has to endure a nearly thirty minute discussion about a mad man in a blue box.

*

_Lady Grinning Soul_ looks like a decrepit burlesque cantina from Coruscant; Matt can hear electronica music with a riff of jazzy saxophones and he can see the blaster-holed, red velvet curtains from just outside the door-less arch. There is no bouncer or guard organizing the throng of people trickling inside the hole-in-the-wall bar.

_Of all the places he could’ve chosen, why he picked a place where it looks like people can have sex on the rundown stage is beyond me…..maybe he’s an exhibitionist!_ Matt prays that his hope can be turn into reality; he’s feel like he’s spent thirty minutes of his life suffering to Hux’s ramblings again. Then again, he spent most of the time looking at Hux’s small mouth, imagining interrupting Hux’s dorky ramblings by jamming his cock down his throat.

“I don’t think we’ll be able to get a table….” Matt hears Hux’s dismay. He quickly scans the crowded, scantily-clad crowd for a free table. _Hmm, I actually might have to “Force” someone from their table—no, wait, it’s Thrass!_ Matt sees the Chiss Knight occupying a wooden booth in a poorly-lit corner. His glowing red-orange eyes lazily flick in his direction; Thrass offers a brief nod of acknowledgement.

**_Master Ren, I can see that the General is dressed…for you._** Matt ignores the urge to glare at Thrass. If that thought came from Chantique, he would know that it was mockery. But with Thrass, through their telepathic link, he still cannot believe that Thrass is capable of sarcasm. Or most emotions.

**_Thrass, I will need you to address me from now until the conclusion of this venture as Matt. And you shall also address the General as……whatever he asks you to address him as._** Matt sees that Hux is still frantically looking around for a free table.

“Hey, Hux, I see one of my friends and he’s all by himself. Why don’t we greet him?” _Dear Force that sounded so….forced; if Hux buys that then he must……really trust me. I’m a shitty person…who wants to get inside a guy who has only made two friends in his life._ Hux visibly perks up, most likely at the thought of getting a table.

“Sure! I would love to meet any friend of yours!” Hux gives him a very toothy, trusting smile. Matt grabs one of Hux’s thin arms, and avoids wincing at the lack of fat on his arm, and guides him through the crowd. _If I touched his hands, then I might try something sneaky in the crowd……like shoving one of his small hands down my pants. Or just shove him down to the floor, in the swell of this crowd, and rut my clothed erection against his vulnerable body…frak, I can’t let Thrass see me erect!_ He uses the Force to stave off his erection to the point of feeling like his junk was encased in an iceberg.

“Matt? Are you okay?” Matt realizes that he must’ve let out a soft groan and Hux heard it. _Holy shit, he has sharp hearing, especially in this place where the music is near deafening!_ Matt recovers and gives him a small grin.

“Someone’s elbow hit my funny bone.” Hux purses his lips for a second but then smiles acceptingly. _I am a horrible fucking person, aren’t I? I’m lying to this super trusting, smoking hot, and painfully thin man. And I’m still okay with that……I think._ They reach where Thrass is sitting and is glad to see that the booth is big enough to seat four people if necessary.

“Hey, Thrass, it’s me Matt!” _Kriff, I really hope that Thrass thinks that I’m acting and not because I’m lame. Well, Matt the Radar Technician is supposed to be lame. And apparently lameness attracts Hux……just not in a sexual way._ Matt smiles and almost wants to mentally order Thrass to do the same. But then he turns his head when he hears Hux gasp.

“HOLY SHIT! You’re Thrawn’s older brother!” Hux, and Matt swears by this, squeals.

**_Since when the Hells have you been Thrawn’s older brother!?_** Matt screeches into their telepathic link. He is half-surprised and duly impressed that Thrawn didn’t instinctively cover his ears from that.

**_Since Mitth’raw’nuruodo was birthed, Master Ren._** Thrass seemingly ignoring his Master’s orders. Matt feels his anger clouding the link almost like space static.

“Yes, I am, and you are?” Thrass civilly requests. He is still unfazed by the excited expression on Hux’s face. _How the Hells is he not reacting to that! Hux’s enthusiasm, even if it’s for that blue fucker, is so……oh wait, I can’t get excited for a while. I really hope I didn’t prevent myself from having erections for a week again…I really don’t want to ask my Master to reverse it again._

“Oh, I’m Brendol Hux II. But you can call me Hux!” Matt finally sees a reaction from Thrass’s blank face. Thrass’s alien eyes widen. _Unholy Dark Side!_ Matt curses inwardly.

“Aren’t you the same Brendol Hux II that helped my _dear_ little brother with his Far-Outsider problem a couple of years ago?” Matt nearly shivers at Thrass’s particularly cold delivery of _dear_. _Clearly, Thrawn and Thrass aren’t getting along…this should make me happy, so why am I afraid?_ Matt seriously considers backing away from Thrass. And maybe taking Hux outside to have we-just-survived-Thrass’s-little-brother-issues-sex.

“Yeah, but Thrawn did most of the work.” Hux admits humbly. Thrass and Hux share these knowing looks, leaving Matt out in the cold.

**_Thrass, what is this Far-Outsider problem that you two seem to know a great deal about?_** Matt is certainly not sulking through the telepathic link. Thrass flicks his glowing eyes briefly to him, almost like he’s assessing Master Ren’s clearance for such a secret.

**_Master Ren, I’m afraid I cannot indulge you with an answer. It would violate certain confidentially clauses that I swore to when I was adopted into the Mitth family. I cannot betray my family’s trust._** Matt resists the urge to punch the air in frustration; instead, he uses the Force to shatter a bottle of champagne at a nearby table filled with people. He relishes the frustration and shock of the people soaked by their expensive holy water.

**_You swore your allegiance to the Supreme Leader and the Knights of Ren. And as the Supreme Leader’s apprentice and your Master, I order you to tell me about this Far-Outsider problem._** Matt then sees something truly horrific: Thrass’s smirk.

“He couldn’t do all of that work by himself; he values all of his hardworking pawns, such as yourself.” Matt’s eyes widen at Thrawn’s cutting remark. _Okay, he’s pissed……and he’s taking it out on Hux because he knows that he can’t take it out on me…maybe. Pfassk, I may have to check my food for poison for a while…again._

“Man, you two even annoy each other! I really thought he and you actually had that perfect sibling relationship with the way he would go on and on about you….you should call him more often; he worries.” Hux softly comments. He is not hurt by Thrass’s jab or even creeped out by the unnatural smirk on the cold Chiss’s face. _Hux is an angel, and not one of his stupid ones that wear trench coats and sexually frustrate those Winchester brothers. Okay, he sexually frustrates me! But he’s not even glaring at Thrass for pretty much calling him a pawn. I would punch Thrass in the face…_

“I would if I could, but my work prevents me to have certain luxuries like free time.” Hux then nods in sympathy, and, once again, Matt feels like the third wheel.

“So can I sit with you?” Thrass smirks again; this time it seems almost warm. _Near human, I would call._ Matt watches as Thrass scoots over and Hux takes his seat by Thrass.

**_What the Hells, Thrass! He’s supposed to sit by me!_** Matt then takes his seat from across Hux. He is using all his willpower not to glare at the sneaky Chiss. Hux is beaming at Matt, happy to just have a seat. And Thrass is still smirking, obviously reveling in Matt’s jealousy.

**_I have no carnal interests in your significant other. Considering your past statements about the General, I am surprised by how utterly charming he is. The way you told it you made him seem like some demon from the Void given a military rank. Or, perhaps, you were compensating for your callowness, Master Ren. Oh, how impertinent of me, I meant Matt._** Matt flushes and nearly Force-chokes Thrass, but he sees Hux looking at him.

“Matt, are you—oh, that’s my comlink beeping! Better take this. Hey, Aya, we’re in the bar. Yeah, I actually beat you here for once! Anyways, we’re in the very back away from the moldering stage. You might have to watch it with the crowd since one of them elbowed Matt earlier.” _Aww, he’s angry at someone for hurting me! That’s so cute! Oh Force, did I just call Hux cute? Well……he’s cute but only when’s angry for me!_ Hux then begins to waves his arms wildly in the air. And for the briefest of seconds, Matt wants to slouch down in embarrassment at Hux being a spaz.

**_Matt, would you like to know about Aya Kallus now?_** Matt grinds his teeth; he does not exactly “hear” the smugness in Thrass’s mental voice, but he can certainly feel the superciliousness.

**_Yes, Thrass._** Matt can see the crowd on the floor slowly parting for some reason, while Hux continues to flail his arms like some electrocuted puppet. Thrass’s eyes lazily flick to where Matt is looking.

**_We are very fortunate that Brendol Hux II and his brother have quite a…reputation in the Far Unknown Regions. Aya Kallus is his brother’s name and he’s a professor of xenosexology at the University of Galatia. However, he spends most of his academic time studying and analyzing the sexual practices of various cultures around the galaxy rather than teaching._** _So Hux’s big brother is some kind of sex scientist…I didn’t even know that was possible. Why couldn’t Hux be the sex scientist?_ Matt, once again, believes that the Force or Hux’s Fake Goddess is cursing him.

**_So what does Aya Kallus look like?_** Matt imagines someone looking like Hux but probably has a healthy amount of fat on his body and probably has carrot-colored hair. He might be a bit taller than Hux, probably by a centimeter, or perhaps even shorter. _He probably wears tweed and “cool” bowties……he’s probably like that hobbit Bagginshield or something._

**_Unfortunately, Aya Kallus is apparently a sufferer of scopophobia, or perhaps values his privacy more than his younger brother, because I could not drum up an image of him and I didn’t have the time to check thoroughly with his university. But, it appears we shall see now._** Matt finally sees the reason why the crowd parted, and he gapes.

He sees a man almost two meters tall approach their little dark booth. He is bulging with muscles to the point that Matt can see the man’s eight-pack; he actually does see the eight-pack because of the man’s ridiculously small, golden-scaled crop top. He has on brown, reptile-skinned pants with knee-high, beaded and tasseled boots. His skin is deliciously brown like he has spent most of his time sunbathing nude, while his hair is the color of what can be described as tarnished gold that is eerily similar to Sith yellow.

**_Holy shit! Are his eyes violet? I can’t tell because of his stupid blue glasses. And what the Hells is he, half-giant? Half-god? An ancient warrior trapped in the future!?_** Matt practically screams, and Thrass’s only response is to stare at the mesmerizing, nearly mythically perfect body.

“Hi, Aya!” Hux chirpily exclaims, completely unaware of Matt’s shock and Thrass’s concupiscence. Aya brings his plush lips together to form a heartfelt smile at his younger brother.

“Hi, Fae. Are these your _new_ friends?” Aya’s blue-bespectacled eyes are kittenish while beholding Thrass’s glowing embers. _He isn’t shy……you’d think he wouldn’t have eye-sex in front of his little brother and his……Matt._

**_Congratulations, Thrass, it looks like one of us is actually getting laid tonight…_** Matt bitterly thinks to Thrass and does not expect an answer from him. _He’s too busy getting the eye-sex foreplay out of the way!_

**_Matt, have you noticed that neither of the brothers’ minds are readable? It’s almost like they don’t exist in the Force._ ** _I’ve grown complacent in not hearing Hux’s thoughts that I didn’t even pick up the older brother’s lack of presence in the Force._

“Oh, um, Matt is and Thrass is his friend, so in a sense we’re all friends.” Hux lightly blushes, and Matt is somewhat missing his erection. He feels like he’s not paying enough respect to Hux’s blushing cheeks.

“May I join your little triangle of friends?” _Oh no, the only seat left is right next to me! I don’t want his god-bod brother even near me! Dammnit Thrass!_ Matt screams inwardly when Hux just stupidly nods and Aya takes his seat.

“So, Fae, are you ready for the R.O.U.S?” Matt feels his eyebrows go up and he even sees Thrass looking at Aya curiously.

**_What the frak is an R.O.U.S?_** Matt did his research and knows that no such animal exists on Belkadan. At least, from the documented database.

**_I have never heard of such a creature? Perhaps, it’s just a saying between brothers._** Matt inwardly harrumphs; he hates being left out of the loop.

“Rodents of Unusual Size? I don’t think they exist.” Then, the brothers begin to laugh, and Matt flinches. Hux’s laugh is still the same pleasant, innocent laugh he has heard a dozen times, but his brother’s is the exact opposite. _It sounds like he just murdered someone and is laughing his insanity away. And how the frak is Thrass still calm?!_ Thrass has reverted to his blank face.

“Um, w-why are you calling him Fae?” Matt randomly blurts out. Aya doesn’t bother to give him an answer, but Hux is kind enough to.

“Well, Fae is the nickname my family uses to distinguish me and father. Plus, I always hated it whenever they called me Brendol. Only Brendol gets to call me Brendol.” Hux winks at him like he shared with him a silly secret. Matt slightly frowns. _But why exactly Fae? Why not Bren? Or Dol? Okay, maybe not Dol because it’s too close to dull. And Hux is not dull. But I wouldn’t mind if he was my doll._

“Oh, right! Um, this is Matt and the one right by me is Thrass!” Hux points at Matt and then at Thrass. Matt finds this unnecessary. _Matt is clearly a human name, so obviously it would belong to the blonde kid with the less impressive muscles compared to the older brother! But I have a better ass……I hope._

“So this is the infamous Matt you’ve been gushing about! My, his body certainly doesn’t match his occupation.” Suddenly, Matt feels very uncomfortable at the sudden attention from Aya.

“I…..workout a lot.” Matt hears himself mumble, and Aya smiles at him. Matt really does not like that smile. _I think he wants to kill me._

“I can see. So what do you do, Thrass? Are you a technician as well?” _I can’t tell if he’s being sweet with Thrass or he’s toying with him._ Matt feels lightyears better in having Aya’s attentions diverted elsewhere.

“No, I’m an assassin.” Matt gapes at Thrass’s frankness.

“Oh, you’re still working. Our aunt retired and became a historian.” Hux drops the information like one of Broonmark Ren’s Force-enhanced grenade. _Hux is perfectly fine with sitting next to a professional killer…shit, if I knew about that, then I would’ve pretended to be an assassin! Maybe Hux would sleep with an assassin!_

“Retiring to be a historian? What an interesting choice. If I were to retire, I would like to be a politician again.” _Thrass was a politician!? You know that makes sense; he’s articulated like one and can be a coldhearted manipulator. So what happened? Did he give up his political career for knighthood? Or maybe Thrawn had something to do with it…which would explain Thrass’s bitterness in regards to his little brother._

“You could always become the King of the Underground. Or the Sovereign of the Guild of Calamitous Intent, but I think you need to be able to shape-shift into an eagle or at least a pack of smokes. Do you have any diamond dogs, Thrass?” Hux asks with an impish grin splayed on his face. _Let’s see if Thrass can handle Hux’s special brand of weirdness._

“No, but I’m feeling very still and I think my spaceship knows which way to go.” _What. The. Fuck!? Does Thrass even know what he’s saying? Did his brain get fried by Aya’s kriffing perfect body!?_ But the Weird-chester brothers do not share Matt’s feelings, they are now sharing conspiring grins.

**_What do any of those words even mean?_** Matt demands from Thrass.

**_I would suggest looking up the words in a dictionary._** Thrass replies without a hint of sarcasm. Matt narrows his eyes at Thrass’s sass.

“I’m sorry, Matt, I didn’t mean to leave you out. So back to the reason why we’re all here, is everyone ready to go to the swamps?” Hux asks with enough excitement that it makes Matt faintly blush. _Hux’s enthusiasm is so much better than his dispassionate speeches he gives as a General. I hope he can put that enthusiasm to better use like to my—oh yeah, I can’t get it up at this time._

“I need to go to the refresher, but I don’t know where it is.” Thrass admits smoothly. _How come Thrass’s excuse, even the most simplistic one, gets to sound like the most polished lie ever told while mine is utterly awkward?_ Matt makes a mental note to work on his deception skills, specifically with verbal delivery.

“Oh, lucky for you, I know where they are. I could escort you.” Aya too responds smoothly. Matt wonders if Hux knows exactly what is transpiring between the two; he looks at Hux. Hux just smiles back at him, happily and obliviously. _Damn, you would think having a sex scientist for a brother would make Hux pick up on sexual situations……oh Force, he’s a virgin, isn’t he? He’s probably the type of virgin who believes in abstinence just given my shitty luck!_

“That would be wonderful.” Thrass accepts Aya’s _kind_ offer. Hux gets out of the booth to let Thrass out, while Aya just slips out quickly from Matt’s side. And then, Aya does a little, dramatic bow.

“As you wish.” Aya utters with a swart grin. Thrass’s lips feign a small smirk of bemusement.

“Oh, and if we’re not back in thirty minutes, go on without us.” Aya tells Hux before _disappearing_ into the crowd with Thrass. Matt is certain that Hux must understand that his older brother is about to have sex with Thrass; there is no other way that those words can be taken.

“So……wanna get some drinks?” Hux proposes. _Fuck it, I’m not getting laid tonight, might as well get hammered._

“Sure, why not?” Together, they hit the bar, while two older brothers fuck each other in a public ‘fresher.

*

The public ‘fresher is sanitary and sparsely decorated with red wallpaper and forged art holos. From Thrass’s perspective the most expensive item in this piss-smelling public ‘fresher is the golden-gilded mirror, but only if the gold is real. If not, then it would be Aya Kallus if his memory on the price of human slaves can be relied upon.

It’s been nearly four years since he had to “rescue” Master Ren from nearly being auctioned off as an exotic sex slave by Tof slavers.

_If my memory can be relied upon, his hair was that exact shade of yellow then too. I used to think it was gold, but it appears Aya Kallus’s hair has proven to me what gold really is. At least, on humans._ Aya Kallus is not preening himself before the mirror or wrinkling his nose in disgust at the smell of the place. Rather, he reaches down into his right boot.

_Will he pull out a knife? Will he pull out a small bottle of lube?_ Aya pulls out a small tube of lipstick and uncaps it to reveal be golden like his armor. Thrass watches as Aya applies his lipstick without the human once turning to the mirror for help. He then takes off his blue glasses and places them on the plastic counter. His eyes are red and bright like a fallen Jedi turning Sith, but there are no rings or flecks of glowing yellow. _He is not a Force-user._

“Congratulations on figuring out that I’m no child of the Force, I just have devil eyes!” If those words came from Brendol Hux II’s lips, then it would’ve sounded jocular like he was making fun of himself in order to make others laugh. It would’ve been tender. But from Aya Kallus’s mouth, the words were more of a test like he wanted to examine what kind of reaction he could illicit. _I am oddly reminded of Mitth’raw’nuruodo._ Thrass feels a rising surge of revulsion.

“I suppose you are referring to the human notion of demons?” _Humans typically reject beings that are not like them. Even Near-Humans are not spared of their prejudice. Perhaps, Aya Kallus had been scorned because of those eyes. Most likely._ Thrass has been called a demon before, mostly by humans he was sent to kill.

“Do I look like humans?” Aya Kallus does not smile or grin like his younger brother; he’s parlous lifeless. _There is something fundamentally fiendish about him. Is it because he wants to protect his little brother? From Matt? He appeared to tolerate Matt well enough._

“Yes, a mutated one.” Thrass says returning Aya Kallus’s banality in kind. Aya Kallus’s golden lips twitch into a sneer.

“From a certain point of view. I am regretfully two-thirds human, but one-third not of this galaxy.” Aya Kallus’s sneer twists into a kind of smirk, full of vainglory.

“Let me guess your race came from another galaxy because theirs was dying. Some made their homes in the Divine Mother’s Eye system, while the rest were ruthlessly slaughtered by humans.” _It’s a common story for displaced species; most come as invaders, while others come as victims. Either way, it’s Hells for the person sent to deal with them._ Thrass wonders if Aya Kallus might be descended from some Far-Outsider that avoided detection in the Unknown Regions. _He has the corybantic disposition of one; perhaps that’s how his little brother was able to deal with them so well._

“Depends on the fairytale. My brother likes to believe that the Last Great Time War happened and The Doctor helped what was left of the Earthlings escape to this galaxy, and then he went back to stop the war. I think the galaxy was reaching its natural heat death and what was left of that galaxy fled here. Either way, the Earthlings settled the uninhabited system and then got massacred a thousand years later by humans looking for liberty, and all that’s left of them is largely their entertaining, conflicting stories that only my family has access to.” Aya Kallus’s eyes glaze over a bit like he has told this answer a thousand times and has grown bored of it.

“Is the lipstick a family heirloom?” Thrass quips formally, while Aya Kallus toys with his lipstick tube like a lighter, making the golden stick sporadically emerge.

“I commandeered the lipstick from a Zeltron spy this morning; it was the only thing she had that I wanted.” _So he has a hobby of collecting trinkets from his sexual partners? Is that where he got the crop top? What would he want from me? And would it be worth losing it?_ Thrass has his handheld charric stowed away in his boot and he can easily whip it out if Aya Kallus decides to become violent.

“Does the tube of lipstick teach you the ways of the Zeltrons?” _Like art teaches_ _Mitth’raw’nuruodo the thought processes of his opponents._ Thrass once again roils in disgust at comparing his little brother to this very shady human. The golden stick pops out once more and Aya Kallus looks up at the ceiling. The mostly human then marks his right bicep with a single line before lowering his gaze.

“Well, look at that I’ve got a mark on my arm. Hmm, I must’ve found a Silence. It must be on strict orders to watch us. Shall we give it a show?” _I sense no one else here but us. Has he gone mad?_ Aya Kallus grins like a gigantic madman while holding out the lipstick tube to Thrass.

Thrass takes the tube.

*

Matt can hold his drink better than most men because he was taught by the best, Uncle Lando and Han. Much to Chewie’s and Leia’s dismay. So he figured that having two bottles of something called Redrum and about three fingers of absinthe wouldn’t affect him much. And it didn’t.

Until he chugged down a pint of _local_ wormwood ale.

Apparently, the combination of those three very different alcohols was too much for the Force-user, so now he’s very drunk. Not drunk enough to puke on Hux’s lap nor drunk enough to pass out once Hux gets him standing and walking out of the bar after thirty minutes.

But he’s drunk enough to lean and hold onto Hux’s supremely thin frame with the same tight grip like a certain masturbation pillow to his crotch. Except he doesn’t get to hold Hux against his crotch. No, he does not, but he does get to shamelessly sniff Hux like a wolf looking for its mate. _By Force, he still smells like green tea! Even after I spilled that bottle of absinthe on him! He’s still fucking thin though……but he’s so sturdy! Like a little bookshelf!_ Matt giggles insipidly and quite loudly.

“Wow, you sound excited to go to the fire swamp; too bad Aya and Thrass are still busy in the bathroom to come!” _I’m not too busy to make you come! Shit, did I say that out loud? No, Hux isn’t saying anything!_ Hux and Matt are steadily making their way to the swamplands. The swamplands are wet and marshy like Matt expected, but he smells something distinctly like a thousand rotting eggs.

_Holy shit, the swamp is really close! Like how the Hells didn’t I notice that earlier? Oh yeah, I was staring at Hux’s ass and estimating how much cake it would take to fill it out. I think like twenty or something? But I would probably have to add like three pounds of frosting to the cakes though…wait, Hux is stopping._ Matt sees Hux looking the area over.

“It’s not that bad.” Matt then stares at him like he’s the drunk fool. And Hux stares right back at him with a bit of a confused, amused expression.

“I’m not saying I’d like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely.” Matt then stares at the trees and agrees with him. _They look pretty, well not Naboo pretty, but pretty. But what is that damn smell? It’s not a rotting corpse smell, more like a thousand trays of those smelly deviled eggs from Leia’s political parties._

Hux then gently guides Matt under a tree branch and takes great care for Matt not to trip over the sneaky roots. After a minute of walking, they hear popping. _Woah, sounds like a bubbling smelting pit! And……we’re going towards the ominous sound? Shit, if I wasn’t certain that I was going to vomit if I opened my mouth, I think I would bitch Hux out for his lack of commonsense. And then tell him to eat a tub of dark chocolate pudding because dark chocolate is a Sith confectionary!_

They come nearer to the place in which the popping was happening and Matt sees little dark bubbles in the marshy ground. _Oh is this like kind of sulfur swamp? With a bunch of other ga—_ A geyser of flames bursts from the bubble, and Matt does NOT squeal like a child and cling harder to Hux’s skeletal frame. He swears this on the honor of his grandfather.

“One thing I will say, the Fire Swamp certainly does keep you on your toes.” Hux smiles charmingly and then pulls out his sword. Which looks freshly polished and an appropriate length for Hux’s size. Hux uses his sword to cut some branches that would’ve hit them in the face and then sheaths his sword. _Don’t think about his cock. Don’t think about his cute, small cock. And, for Force’s sake, do NOT open your mouth!_ Matt berates himself. Hux, surprisingly, twirls them away from another roar of flames and they continue on their way.

“This will all soon be but a happy memory, because Roberts’s ship, _Revenge_ , is anchored at the far end, and I, as you know, am Roberts.” _What the Hells is he going on about? His name is Brendol Hux II! Or maybe Fae? I know it’s not Roberts! Oh……he’s monologuing again, isn’t he? Thank the Force I’m drunk and I have an excuse to not verbally respond to whatever stupid play he’s quoting from._ Matt is once again twirled away from another fiery bubble.

“I, myself, am often surprised at life’s little quirks.” _I bet your cock is a little quirk. Heh, good one me!_ Matt mentally high-fives himself and is extremely grateful that Hux cannot hear his thoughts.

“See, what I told you before about saying ‘please’ was true. It intrigued Roberts, as did my description of your beauty. Finally Roberts decided something. He said, ‘All right, Westley. I’ve never had a valet. You can try it for tonight. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.’” Matt snorts a bit out of the absurdity of Roberts telling this Westley fellow that he’ll most likely kill him in the morning. _No decent killer would tell their victim that and not go through with his threat! Roberts is a fucking idiot! Oh Force, we’re spinning again!_

“Three years, he said that. ‘Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning. It was a fine time for me. I was learning to fence, to fight, anything anyone would teach me. And Roberts and I eventually became friends. And then it happened.” Hux takes a pause as though he were waiting for an answer from Matt, but Matt doesn’t say anything, reminding Hux how drunk Matt was.

“Roberts had grown so rich he wanted to retire, so he took me to his cabin and told me a secret. ‘I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts,’ he said. ‘My name is Ryan. I inherited the ship from the previous Dread Pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Roberts either. His name was Cummerbund. The real Roberts has been retired 15 years and living like a king in Patagonia.’” _Who the pfassk fears a pirated called the Dread Pirate Roberts!? Is this from a shitty children’s book? Maybe, Hux tends to go on about fairytales if his Knights of the Round Table are anything to go by._ They sidestep another burst of flames, and Matt is thankful for no spinning this time.

“Thank you.” And Matt has no idea what Hux is thanking him for. _It’s not like a branch was in his way and I helped knocked it away. Protect his freckled, gaunt face from welling up with thick blood……shit, that’s right, I can’t get horny no more!_

“Then he explained the name was the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley. So, we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew, and he stay aboard for a while, as first mate, all the time calling me Roberts. Once the crew believed, he left the ship, and I have been Roberts ever since.” _This must be from some ancient fairytale if he’s talking about ships on water. Oh no, more spinning! Oh Force, I can’t—_

“Except, now that we’re together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is everything clear to you?” Hux asks this while turning Matt around so they can face each other like lovers gazing deeply into each other’s eyes. Matt wants to kiss him and opens his mouth to say that.

But then he quickly turns around and pukes violently on the marshy ground. And then blacks out.

*

Hux lugs Matt all the way back to their ship and does not call his brother for help. He’s fully aware that his brother is going to be occupied with rather _strenuous activities_ for the rest of the night. He then returns to the _Finalizer_ and hauls him back to his quarters. All. By. Himself.

He did get offers of help from passing Stormtroopers and some very, very confused-looking officers, but Hux refused them. He knows full well that his arms and back are going to pitch a fit about that tomorrow. But for now, he soldiers on and quickly taps in the access codes of his quarters and goes inside with Matt.

He lays Matt with an oomph onto his bed and quickly turns Matt to his side in case Matt vomits again. He quickly goes to the ‘fresher and strips out of his clothes, and then does his nightly routine. Once done, he opens up his medicine cabinet to grab a bottle of pain reliever and a glass of water with one hand, while the other grabs the tiny wastebasket under his sink.

He puts the glass of water and bottle of pills on his desk and then brings the wastebasket to his bedside in case Matt regains consciousness and he wants to puke again. He decides that he’ll sleep on the floor tonight. But first, he strips Matt of the boots because he knows sleeping in boots is rather uncomfortable and he then goes over to his quilt to drape it over Matt’s body so he doesn’t get chilly tonight. _It’s okay, I can live without warmth tonight…I’ll go back to the ‘fresher and grab my boots; I’ll just sleep with them on tonight so I won’t be so cold!_

But then Matt decides to wrap his arms around Hux’s waist and pulls him into the bed with him. Hux is crushed to the well-sculpted, six-pack body of his friend; he tries to wiggle out of Matt’s hold, but it only serves to tighten Matt’s grip. _Oh well, I’ll just sleep like this and hope he doesn’t puke on me during the night!_

Hux falls asleep to Matt’s jugular vein beating in his pale, muscular neck and dreams:

_He is in a room decorated with white candles, white sheets, white flowers, and white curtains. He is on the bed in his black outfit, completely paralyzed from the neck down; he is still recovering from being mostly dead._

_The ancient, brown door slowly creaks open and Matt slips in. Hux can see that Matt is dressed in a white gown studded with pearls and diamonds; a crown of beautifully-cut crystals rest upon his slightly-curling blonde head. He is in utter anguish and goes over to a desk to pull out a dagger. He sets the dagger against his chest, ready to plunge it into his heart._

_“There’s a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.” Hux finally announces himself to the suicidal beauty. Matt cheers up immediately and rushes to the bed. He then jumps onto Hux’s black-clothed body._

_“Brendol! Oh, Brendol, darling!” Matt then begins to kiss him on the side of the neck and then kisses him all over his face in desperation. He wants to be touched too._

_“Brendol, why won’t you hold me?” Matt’s hands caress the sides of Hux’s face, demanding Hux’s embrace._

_“Gently.” Hux chides him gently, feeling mildly guilty for not fulfilling Matt’s wish._

_“At a time like this? That’s all you can think to say? ‘Gently’?” One of Matt’s hands reach under his shirt and fingers his left nipple._

_“Gently!” Hux warns, but Matt decides to leer at him. He then viciously twists the nipple, and Hux lets out a moan of mild discomfort mingling with pleasure._

_“Oh, but I’m gentle all the time, Brendol! I listen to you all the time! Now, it’s my turn to be compensated! To punish you for your selfishness!” And punishes him, Matt does. He rips off Hux’s shirt and delivers biting kisses across Hux’s chest, trailing to the edge of Hux’s trousers._

_“Oh, please, Matt!” Hux whimpers pathetically as Matt delivers another vicious twist to his nipple. Matt then cruelly smirks at him and says:_

_“As you wish.”_

Hux groans back to the waking world and realizes three things. First, he had a sex dream about his friend Matt. Second, he just came from that dream alone.

And finally, he just came from a sex dream about his friend who he is sleeping with. His soiled, clothed groin is LITERALLY on Matt’s clearly unaroused, leather-clad groin.

Hux blushes furiously and gasps quietly against Matt’s thick neck:

“Oh no!”

*

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Comments- Okay, here are the links: 
> 
> Kylo Ren’s extremely elaborate trolley that can only be from Naboo and cost more than what Hux makes in six months, thankfully Kylo stole it: [Link](http://cedrus-group.com/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/01550004.30773755.JPG)
> 
> Matt’s “outfit” he wears on purpose in hopes of conveying a certain, sleep-with-me message to Hux. Unfortunately, he chose to wear red suspenders instead of the black in the clip, which causes Hux to revert to a Whovian: [Link](http://66.media.tumblr.com/91b83def6194a705d85b23da6fb8c5c5/tumblr_o4vj1mJRBV1rszoo3o1_400.gif)
> 
> Hux’s outfit which is really just Westley’s Dread Pirate Roberts getup minus the mask. In a way, Matt is Buttercup because he’s wearing red and has blonde hair. And is royalty in a sense, but Hux doesn’t know that. And like Buttercup, Matt wants to sleep with his Stable Boy who is Hux. Unlike Buttercup, it doesn’t happen in this story. But he gets “rescued” by Hux: [Link](https://parttimemonster.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/princess-bride-westley-and-buttercup-8476325-1280-720.jpg)
> 
> Hux’s sword out of its scabbard. It’s a genuine Sith Sword that he named Curse Breaker because I just wanted to squeeze in a Harry Potter reference and it sounded like something this version of Hux would think up of: [Link](http://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/8/8f/Sithsword-NEGWT.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20060707200628)
> 
> Mitth’ras’safis, or Syndic Thrass, or Thrass Ren as he is known in this series. I just chose an image of some random Chiss who is probably not Thrass, but it looked cool and mysterious like how I imagined Thrawn’s older brother would be like. Unlike his Legends counterpart, this one is Force-sensitive, but not to a particularly powerful degree, but he has way, way more sense than the Master of the Knights of Ren: [Link](http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/4/48/TattooedChiss-TNR.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20091215233139)
> 
> Thrass Ren’s weapon of choice is a small, hand-held charric. Originally, I was going to give him a Sith lanvarok as a weapon because it was used in assassinations and he’s pretty much the assassin of the knights, but it didn’t really….seem practical. The weapon was just too obvious-looking and assassins need weapons that they can conceal; you can’t really hide a lanvarok in your boot. Basically, it looks like a sleek-looking laser pistol: [Link](http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/9/94/ChissBodyguard.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20090421000753)
> 
> Aya Kallus’s body is based upon DIO from JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure. Aka the show with men whose bodies are beyond shredded and has more packs than Kylo Ren’s so-called six-pack: [Link](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/04/94/fe/0494fe8d96dccca3a0ec97f4dce72bce.jpg)
> 
> Aya Kallus’s “armored” crop top that he wears like a character from JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure: [Link](https://img1.etsystatic.com/111/1/6294618/il_570xN.1015381461_aneg.jpg)
> 
> Aya Kallus’s unique boots; tassels seem to be a thing for the Weird-chester brothers: [Link](https://www.countryoutfitter.com/on/demandware.static/-/Sites-co-master-catalog/default/dw341ad420/images/productimages/277702_108662-womens-crystal-pattern-fringe-boot-honey_large.jpg)
> 
> Aya Kallus’s glasses which were previously shown in “The Protective Older Brother Trope” story: [Link](http://maximumeyewear.com/productfolder/funky-sunglasses/dracula-sunglasses/gary-oldman-dracula-glasses.jpg)
> 
> Aya Kallus’s lipstick that he uses: [Link](http://keyshiakaoir.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/golden-goddess-gold-lipstick-by-kaoir.jpg)
> 
> The dress that Matt wears in Hux’s The Princess Bride sex dream: [Link](http://princessbrideforever.com/site/wp-content/uploads/11_Buttercup_Westley7.jpg)
> 
> This was supposed to be less than half this length! But it just kept getting longer and longer! You know kind of like the days in which Kylo Ren is going to fret about his lack of an erection. Force, I jammed this story with a lot of references; but the most important reference is The Princess Bride, so I suggest watching the movie and reading the book because the book is as fun as the movie. Plus, Buttercup totally had sex with Westley at the bottom of that hill. I also finally got to write Thrass in! And he will eventually learn a lesson from this: don’t put your dick in something crazy. 
> 
> And the next one-shot is going to have Jaina Jade aka my alternative universe’s version of Jaina Solo!


End file.
